Gianna this is LOVELY feedback and I have some good news: I’d love to be friends 🤩 I do hope to meet in person someday but in the meantime, consider our friendship started! 🫶🏻
Kaleigh, really good piece! This is in the best spirit of Brene' Brown. I see the Radical Candor references and hope you have read Daring to Lead or some of her work.
Every word of this made sense to me. If you continually protect your staff by softening every message they need to hear - you’re harming yourself - limiting their growth - and making your company a less productive place. Learn to have the hard conversation & everyone benefits.
Radical Candor was a revelation when I first read it.
You can be both direct and kind, and often they go hand in hand.
I've seen the tension managers have when deciding between being a pushover or a bully. I've seen managers keep at their employees until tears are shed ("proof the person finally understands the situation") and when being nice is viewed as incompetence. I say it all goes back to culture, and it's more than one person's managerial style.
Thanks Elizabeth! We also read Radical Candor as part of a leadership team I was on and it was great reminder of the balance to strike between being kind and tooooo direct. Everyone navigates that differently, as you said so eloquently ☺️
This is so important for new managers to learn early on. It's a completely understandable tendency for the people pleasers/peacemakers among us, AND it absolutely leads to burnout and resentment if it goes unchecked for too long. For younger professionals, and women especially, I also often see this tendency as a carryover from our past when we lacked positional authority and/or subject matter expertise, so being sweet and likeable was the only currency we had available for a long time. It's a tough habit to break, but being more direct is a more elevated way to honor everyone involved.
💯agree, Meredith! One of my favorite managers reminded me (right before my first management role) that “you can’t please everyone and you don’t have to” and even though it sounds SO simple, it was the exact right reality check for me at the time. I should probably tell her that 😅
Thank you so much for this article Kaleigh! I've been in management officially for just under 2 years. I still struggle with this! I think a lot of the time it is because I can see where I myself went wrong. So I want to give the benefit of the doubt.
However, when looking back, the best boss I ever had was very blunt. He was quick to give praise, but he was also quick to call you out. He may not have had the most tactful way of letting you know what you did wrong (and why) in the moment, but I've never learned more from anybody else. He wasn't rude or mean about it in anyway. And it was obvious he was trying to teach and not just tell. It took me a little bit to get used to his style, but I'm grateful that he was that way.
I have so much compassion for this and also I am sure you can tell now that I have a similar style that I’m working on! I also think it’s been a good journey for me to try to strike a balance of being direct in a way that still feels authentic to me and my style. I’ve had plenty of direct bosses (some wonderful, some not), but like you I always appreciated those who were able to provide clear, growth-focused feedback in a way that acknowledged the positive relationship we had.
But I really appreciate your article because I never thought about it so plainly. I've certainly felt this, and realized that I need to be "tougher". But I hadn't really seen it spelled out like you have here. So I thank you!
I’ve had to learn that softening a message too much can actually make it less fair. When I take on the blame, explain someone’s behavior for them, or make the conversation more comfortable too quickly, I also remove their opportunity to reflect and take responsibility. “The emotional temperature you’re managing is your own” is uncomfortable, but very true. Clarity delivered with care is ultimately much kinder than warmth that leaves someone unsure of what you really meant.
Kaleigh, I’m lying in bed reading some of your articles and 🔥stop the world! I came across this one and it’s truly wonderful.
In my Notion notes, I actually had a general idea written down about writing about my struggles with being nice, and how I stopped being that way.
You have no idea how much I relate to you. I think if we ever met, we’d be friends!🤣
Gianna this is LOVELY feedback and I have some good news: I’d love to be friends 🤩 I do hope to meet in person someday but in the meantime, consider our friendship started! 🫶🏻
I’ll be waiting for you in Florence!
Kaleigh, really good piece! This is in the best spirit of Brene' Brown. I see the Radical Candor references and hope you have read Daring to Lead or some of her work.
Yes! Good call on Brene’s books - I have Dare to Lead on my shelf from a book club a few years ago and definitely enjoyed her perspective ☺️
Every word of this made sense to me. If you continually protect your staff by softening every message they need to hear - you’re harming yourself - limiting their growth - and making your company a less productive place. Learn to have the hard conversation & everyone benefits.
Thank you for this very kind and helpful feedback, Rusty! Much appreciated. 🙌🏻
Radical Candor was a revelation when I first read it.
You can be both direct and kind, and often they go hand in hand.
I've seen the tension managers have when deciding between being a pushover or a bully. I've seen managers keep at their employees until tears are shed ("proof the person finally understands the situation") and when being nice is viewed as incompetence. I say it all goes back to culture, and it's more than one person's managerial style.
Great piece, Kaleigh. Thank you!
Thanks Elizabeth! We also read Radical Candor as part of a leadership team I was on and it was great reminder of the balance to strike between being kind and tooooo direct. Everyone navigates that differently, as you said so eloquently ☺️
Just be kind
I appreciate the distinction inherent here between being kind and being nice: they’re different and I love that you pointed it out ☺️
This is so important for new managers to learn early on. It's a completely understandable tendency for the people pleasers/peacemakers among us, AND it absolutely leads to burnout and resentment if it goes unchecked for too long. For younger professionals, and women especially, I also often see this tendency as a carryover from our past when we lacked positional authority and/or subject matter expertise, so being sweet and likeable was the only currency we had available for a long time. It's a tough habit to break, but being more direct is a more elevated way to honor everyone involved.
💯agree, Meredith! One of my favorite managers reminded me (right before my first management role) that “you can’t please everyone and you don’t have to” and even though it sounds SO simple, it was the exact right reality check for me at the time. I should probably tell her that 😅
Thank you so much for this article Kaleigh! I've been in management officially for just under 2 years. I still struggle with this! I think a lot of the time it is because I can see where I myself went wrong. So I want to give the benefit of the doubt.
However, when looking back, the best boss I ever had was very blunt. He was quick to give praise, but he was also quick to call you out. He may not have had the most tactful way of letting you know what you did wrong (and why) in the moment, but I've never learned more from anybody else. He wasn't rude or mean about it in anyway. And it was obvious he was trying to teach and not just tell. It took me a little bit to get used to his style, but I'm grateful that he was that way.
I have so much compassion for this and also I am sure you can tell now that I have a similar style that I’m working on! I also think it’s been a good journey for me to try to strike a balance of being direct in a way that still feels authentic to me and my style. I’ve had plenty of direct bosses (some wonderful, some not), but like you I always appreciated those who were able to provide clear, growth-focused feedback in a way that acknowledged the positive relationship we had.
I think striking that balance is key!
But I really appreciate your article because I never thought about it so plainly. I've certainly felt this, and realized that I need to be "tougher". But I hadn't really seen it spelled out like you have here. So I thank you!
I’ve had to learn that softening a message too much can actually make it less fair. When I take on the blame, explain someone’s behavior for them, or make the conversation more comfortable too quickly, I also remove their opportunity to reflect and take responsibility. “The emotional temperature you’re managing is your own” is uncomfortable, but very true. Clarity delivered with care is ultimately much kinder than warmth that leaves someone unsure of what you really meant.